Tag: humor

“Look on the bright side, at least porn is real”

Things I’ve never heard, but wish I did

  • She left you for a guy with cleaner code
  • Remember all those those Emergency Broadcasting tones with stripes on TV? They weren’t tests
  • They changed their name from the Care Bears to the Hells Angels to stop other bikers from attacking them
  • A tinfoil covered kook carrying a scarecrow, a Furry, and a deranged Kansas woman dressed like a little girl laughed at him. The Wizard of Oz needs to work on his pitch if he wants to get funded.
  • That abstraction saved the company, here’s a private island for your trouble
  • Don’t worry about that convoluted monte carlo sim you wrote ten years ago. The new guy will modify it to monitor all life on Earth by tomorrow
  • Budget? What the fuck is a budget?
  • I’m excessively rich, eccentric, and ready to invest. Shall we take my zebra fish submarine to Rio to discuss terms?
  • Those first few decades were only a test, you failed in bizarre fashion but we decided to keep you. Why? Because it’s so god damned funny watching you freak out
  • You’re the King of France! followed by
  • There’s no such thing as France*
  • No really, the most interesting person in the world is You! I’ll go tell Oprah.
  • Blondes make the best Buddhists
  • We’re all jedi. We were just being polite until you figured it out. And no, I don’t want to sleep with you, that beer will be 5 bucks, and those are the droids I’m looking for
  • The folks that run the Stock Market have decided to stop
  • We made up religion, government and money just to fuck with you, here’s some pecan pie. Look on the bright side, at least porn is real.

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